More funny english signs: Japan to Germany

More funny signs of the times as sent to me by email – its Queens Birthday weekend in New Zealand .. . a good time to look at in English that’s NOT written in the ‘Queen’s English’!

Hotel, Japan:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and soviet
composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of
different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent
unless they are married with each other for this purpose.

Hotel, Zürich:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in
the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?  ( PS this one would  only be funny to  speakers of  American English .. other English speakers use this spelling for the donkey type animal  and the rear end of a person is their arse!)

getting fit for travel? yeah right!

Reflections in New Zealand bush
Reflections in New Zealand bush

Pre travel countdown tasks continued for me – I had hoped that in 50 days  my hidden svelte body should appear ready for sun sand and beach. Yeah right!

I confessed to going to the gym, well signing up for the gym. Why, I want to know, are bad habits so easy to form and good ones so darn difficult to maintain. There seems to be some design fault in my brains hard-wiring.

The other thing about the state of over-weightiness – OK obesity – and wanting to be fit for travel is the unfairness of it all.

While travelling it always the skinny little things that look good even in a g-string who seem to get sick. They go to the toilet a lot, find it hard to keep food down, and complain about loosing weight. I on the other hand, break all the rules about safe eating abroad and still put on weight when travelling – it’s obviously a genetic malfunction.

How can you sweat that much, walk that far and still put on weight? It’s not fair. I know the book of life did not promise me fairness but . . .

Anyway stage two of the get ready for travel has started. Firstly, keep focused on the goal. What’s that? A fit healthy body that just glides up hills, lies on a beach with no embarrassment, and eats and drinks everything it desires – that’s the looked-for outcome.

So off to see a dietician. Five days a week at the gym, she says, not three. You need to speed up your metabolism. I thought the membership card alone helped, some sort of fat-sucking osmosis would occur. Seems that’s not so. What else?

Only one avocado a week! One? Only ONE?

When I was in Zimbabwe I was eating one a day: minimum. That’s another other thing that’s not fair. As a traveller – and remember I need to travel as others need to breathe – I love all sorts of what you might call ethnic foods. For me they are my life-blood. Indian: yummy. Thai: fantastic. 

They have lots of vegetables, lots of rice, so what’s the problem? Well actually I know what the problem is –well, one of the problems – coconut milk – the delicious fruit of the coconut palms I love to lie under. Although I do concede that quantity plays its part too.

I am not the type of traveller that eats at Mc D’s or any other restaurant catering to western taste – or rather often western fears of ‘different’ food? I am the sort that goes to the market in the middle of a small village and just eats what others are eating.  I will point to someones  plate and indicate – I’ll have that please. This means I get back to New Zealand and still want to eat all the wonderful food I have become accustomed to.

What else has arrived on the forbidden list – OK so she didn’t forbid things, just suggested I might like to make some lifestyle choices. Healthier choices than those I have been making.

Number one is eat out less – which means cook for myself! Now I could be a domestic goddess if I chose, but have been there, done that and much prefer others to clean up behind me, and cook for me too. However, I’ll do it – I’ll keep my goal in mind – and will eat porridge (to increase my fibre and calcium intake) – and then go out for a breakfast of coffee and the newspaper. Promise – I know bagels don’t provide the goodies I’m supposed to have.

I did get a tick for the amount of vegetables I eat, and a big sigh for the lack of calcium and fruit – smoothies for breakfast “she” suggests.

I have stopped eating heaps of muffins – but didn’t they first sell them to us as a healthy food choice? I must admit I’ll be sorry to loose the little cookies or chocolate fish served witht he coffee at a couple of my favourite cafés too.

It seems that to achieve the goal of being a healthy traveller – low blood pressure, low cholesterol, lower weight plus high fitness and flexibility – means I need more time than the days I have left. Incremental changes are required ‘they’ tell me, but I want quantum leaps.

Please tell me — What sort of traveller are you?  Do you loose weight in India? What’s the recipe – please, preety please – I’m looking for an easier softer way.

So, share your skills with us via the comments!